MAN GIVEN "A NICKLE FOR EVERY TIME (HE) HEARD THAT ONE"

      Pittsburgh, Earth -  Resident William “Billy” Pryor was shocked today when the 50 pound package delivered to him at work was intended to be his modern-day pink slip.

      Pryor has been the Director of Human Resources at Steel City Widgets Inc for 15 years.  In that time, he had heard every excuse for employees punching in late.

      Coworkers had reportedly often heard Pryor saying that if he “had a nickel for every lame excuse for tardiness” he had been given over the years, he could take an early retirement.  After slumping widget sales and disappearing profits, management saw this as a win-win solution to their budgetary woes.

      4,427 nickels were loaded into a box and delivered to Pryor on Tuesday.  Attached to the box was a note that read, “Thank you for 15 years of dedicated service.  If only we had more employees like you!”

      When asked about the unorthodox retirement offering, President and CEO Ken Moffat said, “Sometimes you have to really listen to your employees to find out what would make them happy.  We strive to deliver that in a very literal sense.”

      Pryor was hoping that in his retirement, he could pursue his life-long passion of studying to be a pastry chef.  He also tossed around the idea of buying a camper and driving across America.  It is unclear if he has come to realize that 4,427 nickels is not a very large sum of money.

POPULATION HITS 7 BILLION! STILL 98% ASSHOLES

       Earth, Universe – Just mere hours ago, hundreds watched as the world population clock clicked over to 7,000,000,000 people. “It is a special day,” said a sweet old lady that had nothing to do today except stare at the Census website. “I’m just happy to have lived to see, and have added to the milestone.” Her seven adult children joined her today, popping the bubbly at the exact second that history was made.

       Census Officials quickly polled the 7 Billion people, and found that 98% of them were still assholes. Basic questions were answered with, ‘You Suck,’ and ‘I’ll kill you.’ The head of the census was surprised, stating, “I’m surprised,” said Captain Malxkiodbdjjdyy Smith. “We really thought that going over the 7 Billion mark was going to adjust the ratio enough to get it down to 97% ... We have to start somewhere.”

       Smith went on to blame the many races and cultures that we all know are to blame, but would never say it aloud. Will will not print the racist comments, we have to draw the line somewhere.

       After further investigation, ENC discovered the surprising number of asshole kids are to blame for the steady numbers. Spoiled and stuck up is no way to raise a child America. We are sure to hit 99% by the next Census. 

       We even interviewed the now famous 7 Billionth  baby, he had NO COMMENT… what a dick.

DRACULA CONTRACTS HIV; COMES OUT OF COFFIN, CLOSET

           Brooklyn, Earth - A haunted hayride turned into a frightening discovery Halloween morning, as several forth graders on a field trip stumbled upon the unconscious body of Count Dracula in an abandoned warehouse.

            This marks the second time in as many weeks that the famed vampire has been found unconscious, the latter in a Red Hook Kennedy Fried Chicken basement wearing only tube socks, clutching a diaper filled with applesauce.  The Mill Road Primary School class, subjected to far worse at last years Halloween field trip to Uncle Pete’s Tickle O’Rama, are admittedly shaken, but not stirred.

“He asked me to look into his eyes,” entranced teacher Anita Heit repeated as Dracula was loaded into an ambulance bound for Memorial Hospital.  “There is a secret he’s hiding.  A big, dark secret.”

            That dark secret, it turns out, is Jamal Renfield of Bedford Stuyvesant; Count Dracula’s long time live-in vegan boyfriend, who recently left him for an interior designer, named Daniel.

            No longer able to hide in the shadows, Dracula admitted bedside that he was in fact a homosexual, and had been since the fall of Constantinople to Mehmed II in 1453.  “It’s been a consistent downward spiral filled with self-loathing, Haagan Dazs, and ‘The Nanny’ re-runs,” said a teary eyed Dracula.

            Abraham Van Helsing, long time vampire hunter and Dracula arch-enemy, had this to say regarding his nemesis,” It makes total sense. I never thought of looking for him in closets, just coffins.  And here, I thought I sucked at my job. Get it, sucked?”

            While it appears both sides were indeed “sucking something”, the bedside tone of the Transylvanian born vampire turned solemn, as he admitted to contracting the virus HIV sometime in the mid 1980’s.  “My guess is I contracted the disease during an Alice Cooper concert at the Hammerstein Ballroom in 1984.  Those were wild, wild times.”

            Count Dracula isn’t positive (Get it, positive) that the disease will in fact kill him, citing holy water, stakes, and decapitation as rare examples of his limited mortality. 

 “ HIV is no longer a death sentence.  With advances in modern medicine and blood transfusions, there’s no reason I can’t live another thousand years.  Just look at your Magic Johnson.  He’s had HIV forever, and that mother fucker will outlive me.”

"BLOODY MARY" SUES TONY TODD FOR "CANDYMAN" SERIES

      Hollywood, Earth - Tis the season for horrifying lawsuits. This Halloween marks the almost two decades of living in a world where Tony Todd has an acting career. Scary, I know. Most of that blame lands on the shoulders of 1992’s mega-hit “Candyman” that launched T Dogg into B stardom… I guess I should have said ‘Bee’ stardom… Get it?

      This October 31^st will be extra frightening for the “Jake and the Fatman” alum, because it will be spent in the Hollywood District Courtroom.  The urban legend harlot herself, Bloody Mary, has filed a suit against T.T. and horror director Clive Barker for not paying her a life rights fee before filming began.

      The similarities of the “Candyman” film, and the original scream queen’s life story are clearly apparent to anyone that grew up with asshole friends that locked you in a dark bathroom, forcing you to summon the strangling hussy by saying her name five times, only to then grab you by the neck and make you piss yourself in fear.

      One has to ask, how did Bloody Mary find out about the film in the first place? That whore’s lawyer responded, “Mr. Todd has been pitching Universal Studio Execs for a 20^th Anniversary remake for almost a decade now. Last week he trapped the Studio Head and his six personal assistants in the bathroom and summoned my client from beyond. After choking out four of the assistants, she was surprised to find out about the movie franchise, and the nearly 40 million dollars of box office receipts. They just say 'Candyman' two more times than 'Bloody Mary', I mean come on! She is entitled to a share of that 40 mil, and I, a share of her share.”

      Showbiz Tonight’s A.J. Hammer not only broke this story, but followed Hollywood director Clive Barker into an arts and crafts store for a comment:

      “After “Hellraiser” was a hit, the Studio put a lot of pressure on me to come up with new ideas,” Barker mumbled. “I panicked, and like any good director, I stole from my childhood, so sue me! …WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!  DON’T SUE ME!"

      This reporter did a ride along with A.J. Hammer hoping to scare a comment out of the Candyman himself, but his publicist threw us a clever curve ball, “Who’s Tony Todd?”

      We will just have to wait to hear from T Squared on Halloween when he takes the stand. Sources say he intends to plead, “Not Guilty, Not Guilty, Not Guilty, Not Guilty, Not Guilty.”

      ***Happy Halloween from Earth News Corp.***

HOW TO RUIN A PERFECTLY GOOD SECULAR HOLIDAY

        Bible Belt, Earth - Tired of the neighborhood kids groaning about being given raisins or toothbrushes when they come knocking on your door for Halloween? Looking for a way to alienate the youth of your community even more? Been searching for a way for your self-righteous, holier-than-thou attitude to reach a younger audience? Look no further.

      Celebrate JesusWeen on October 31 and let everyone know that not only are you a complete jerk but a buzz kill, too!

      Instead of passing out candy to Trick or Treaters this year, the founders of JesusWeen encourage you to hand out Bibles. From the JesusWeen.com website: 

      'Individuals can participate by giving out several Christian gifts on Oct 31st and especially when someone knocks on your door expecting candy, we prescribe you give a pocket size bible, Christian musical or teaching CD, Tracts, Poems, etc. You can also give out your used Christian books and CDs with the intent of getting new ones.'

      What could be more fun to a bunch of Trick or Treaters than to be greeted with a “Jesus Loves You” message, accompanied by a big ol’ serving of “Fuck You!” on Halloween? 


      Contrary to what these evangelical nutjobs may think, Halloween is not about Satan, devil-worshipping, or communicating with the dead in any way. It is about hot chicks wearing slutty costumes, and hopefully making bad life decisions before the night is over. Those crazy JesusWeeners are just looking to insert themselves everywhere. 

      Oh.

      Wait.

      That was just wrong.

AL PACINO TO PLAY ‘HOFFMAN’ IN HOFFMAN DIRECTED PACINO BIOPIC

      Hollywood, Earth – Though the obvious choice to play acclaimed thespian Al Pacino in a story about his own life would be Al Pacino, director and screen equal Dustin Hoffman assured the press Wednesday that the expected was not to be expected.

      “What? You didn’t expect me to play myself, did you?” an exuberant Hoffman exclaimed poolside at the Beverly Hills Hilton.  “Sometimes being too authentic can be inauthentic… we wouldn’t want to confuse our audience, would we?”

      This would mark the second time Hoffman and Pacino have worked together, the first being 1990’s (Warren) Beatty directed Dick Tracy.  Who better to play Hoffman besides Hoffman in a story about Al Pacino starring Pacino as Hoffman than Pacino, right?

       "With the role of Pacino yet to be cast, insider speculation reports that Hoffman is considering himself as the frontrunner, while Pacino a close second. "If anyone can play himself while playing someone else, it would be Pacino," Hoffman reiterated.  "We just want to make sure we have the right man for the job."

      When asked what he would like the film to be called, and who he thinks should play him, Pacino responded, "In the early days, (Robert) Deniro, me and Hoffman were always being mistook for each other... so if I had to pick one, it would have to be Gene Hackman." As for the title, Pacino coyly suggested, "Let's call it 'The Dustin Hoffman Story'."

PLANNED PARENTHOOD & YUM! BRANDS ANNOUNCE MERGER

      Louisville, Earth  - Yum! Brands, proud parent of health spots KFC and Pizza Hut, announced today the launch of an “Express” line of fast food restaurants pairing Taco Bell with national abortion clinic Planned Parenthood. 

      Sending both shockwaves and just regular waves throughout the industry, the Parenthood merger seems to be universally shunned by the Right. We’re talking foot-tapping bible thumpers, comb over Republicans, and soggy-bottom tea baggers. 

      When asked her stance on the merger, anti-abortion NBA groupie Michelle Bachman stated, “God, obviously, does not eat Crunchwrap Supremes.  I guess now the prom queen has a place to go before, and after the dance.”

      On the flipside of said naysayers is Taco Bell chief executive officer Greg Creed, who has been commended for his sound fastidiousness and low cholesterol level. 

      “Taco Bell and Planned Parenthood Express will be combined into a single restaurant service center, offering superior quality food and abortions at an affordable price.” Yum! anticipates the addition of menu items such as “Morning After Mountain Dew” and “Pintos and Pregnancy” to increase their EPS (Earnings per Share) growth target of 10% over the next fiscal year.

      Existing restaurants will have to change their physical blueprint to accommodate Parenthood’s needs, including the elimination of all seating in place of one really dark, steep staircase.  Customers can choose the “boot” option and have a qualified applicant kick them down the stairs, or the “do-it-yourself” option, which comes with a medium soda and cinnamon twists. Both options come with a side of fiery volcano nacho cheese sauce.  Though problems with the drive-up windows are still being addressed, self-serve vending machines at the entrance are fully stocked with coat hangers, Drain-O, and funnels.

      Creed finished by saying, “Taco Bell is a brand where left of center feels right. It’s a place where getting tested for HIV and ordering a Cheesy Gordita Crunch should seamlessly transition in the same breath. We would like to encourage all of our customers to ‘think outside the bun, especially if you have one in the oven.”